Decisions!

I have titled this blog as 'decisions' because I have recently had to make a major decision. Or at least I think of it as major. To other people it may just be quite simple to say a yes or no - but for me I have to contend with my mixed up thoughts - for example - have I made the right decision for me? - or is this a mistake? - or should I just sit back and let things happen. My mind starts to go around in circles

Then once I have made the decision my mind starts again. Was I wise to do this thing? Did I made the wrong decision? and then I think of the consequences and start worrying about them.

I decided to modernise my kitchen after 25 years. I recently found I had some money available from one of my accounts and felt it was a good way to use it. Money in the bank does not make much interest these days and I would delight in working in a new, brighter environment. My present kitchen is out dated and looking shabby. But I have used it with pleasure. I had it put in soon after I moved in to this house and a very good friend of mine installed it. So I have fond memories, But now I felt I needed a change. Also it would add to the value of the house for when I decide to move to somewhere smaller.

However once I had decided what I was going to have and arranged for the installation I got cold feet. I have spent two sleepless nights going over and over again into the practicalities of getting the kitchen installed. Will it all be delivered in time? Where will I put everything until it is installed? How am I going to clear out my present units? etc etc.

I suppose it shows a lack of confidence in myself. But also it makes me realise how difficult it is to decide major issues on my own. It is a time when I really need someone to share the decision making. It also makes me feel very much alone.

Anyway I cannot go back now as I have ordered everything, paid a deposit and arranged for the builder - so I must just go with it.....!

Otherwise life has been quite good. I had a good holiday in Europe (Prague/Budapest and Vienna) and it was very successful. I had one mishap when I was stung by a wasp and had a very bad reaction and had to go to a hospital in Vienna. (the Austrians were very organised and helpful) and my friend was very supportive - so all ended well.

When I have sorted out my photos I will try and publish one on my next blog.

Unexpected pleasure!

On Saturday I felt very much on my own. I had just got back from a week away staying with a friend and was getting up to date with my post, emails, phone messages etc but feeling very much alone. Most of my friends were away or ill and all my family had gone on their annual holidays. So I decided to be positive and to do something away from the home.

I decided to go to a film which had been recommended to me by my son. It wasn't on locally so I had to go all the way to the west end (which was a bit of a drag as it takes me about 1 hour on the underground) - but I was determined.

While I was waiting to get into the cinema I stood with two very charming young ladies (about 16-18 years old) and we started chatting. They were impressed that I had seen the latest Harry Potter film in 3-D! and then after talking about old films they said they liked 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and also 'My Fair Lady'. I said I had seen 'My Fair Lady' on the stage before the film was made and saw Rex Harrison and Julie Andrews playing the main parts - I think they were even more impressed.
We also talked about the 'King's Speech'. Then we went in to the film and they decided they wanted to sit next to me. I felt so flattered and really enjoyed chatting to them.

That was part of my pleasure of the day. The next bit is the film!!! It was a wow! film. The scenery, the photography, the atmosphere was just amazing. It was all about loss and mourning for a lost son/brother. It is very hard to explain, but I felt so involved in it and felt the emotions the actors felt. It was also about the growing up of a young boy (the one who died at 19) - but we never found out why he died (I think he died in a war). At the end I felt I had lived the story.

I got home feeling very refreshed and exhilerated.

However Sunday was different - I was alone all day - I did a lot of gardening - and though I enjoyed it I started to feel a bit depressed. Now it is Monday and I am going to have tea with a friend - so the week has started and I am going to be very positive!!!

It has been a busy summer so far and I haven't been on any walks on Sundays - but hope to start again in September

Summer is here!

It has certainly been a long time since I have written anything on this blog. It doesn't mean nothing has happened - but just that I have not felt the need to write. Life has progressed reasonably well. I have done lots of nice things and enjoyed a period of sunshine and being out in the country.

One day as I went walking in the country I suddenly thought of the word that had escaped me some time ago when I was trying to describe how I felt when things were at their best and that word is 'Sublime'. When suddenly that feeling comes over you that this is very special and that you must hold it to yourself and try and remember it for as long as possible.

I did have another such moment when I was staying at my friends' house in the country. The weather was perfect - not too hot , not too cold. The fields were green starting to go golden - the sky was blue with puffy white clouds and I was walking on my own just dreaming when I realised that I was happy. I had no pressure on me, nowhere to get to in a hurry, I could go at my own pace and I felt at one with the world (does that expression sound trite?) Anyway it was a moment to treasure.

I had another enjoyable day last week-end when I visited my grown up grandson (he is 28) and spent a day with him and his girl friend. They were such great company and we had a glorious day.

So though there are times when I get very depressed and wonder what it is all about - I do have some wonderful moments. So I will try not to grumble - BUT - it I do need to grumble this is the place to do it!

Spring is on its way!

It has been a long time since I wrote my last blog - but that means I have been too busy to write. But I have often thought about things I would like to say over the last few weeks.

Spring is really on its way. I spent a few days in Kent and the countryside was just glorious. It was also lovely to see the sea for the first time this year. I am really very lucky to be able to get away from London at this time of the year. The winter seems to drag and London seems miserable and one just can't wait to see a bit of sunshine or some lovely countryside.

I have continued to go on my monthly Sunday walks and here is a photo I took on the last one.

This is not the photo I intended to print as it is from another walk taken last year - but it is just as nice. The best thing is that this attractive area is just a few miles away from where I live. Our Sunday walks are usually local.

It has been as busy as usual - but I think I have slowed down a bit as two of my activities have stopped and so I have one day a week free to do other things.

I did have a bad patch when 'things' started to get me down. But now I am beginning to feel much brighter and optimistic. I suppose the break in Kent as well as the Spring weather has helped.

Part of the reason I started this blog was because I wanted to use it to record the changes I feel as I get older. I started writing this when I was 75 and now I will soon be 77! I have noticed some changes, such as more aches and pains (just a little arthritis nothing too bad) finding difficulty in sorting out priorities e.g. making arrangements to see people and over booking myself! But mentally I am able to think quite clearly, though slower and can only keep one thought in my mind at a time - I cannot multi-task as I used to. I usually walk quite fast - but have slowed down a little. However, I am still more active than many people I know of my age. I do intend to keep going - by exercising and keeping active as much as possible.

Life is not too bad - though there are times when I wonder what the purpose of it is. My most productive times were when I had children and saw them grow up and marry and have children of their own. I used to be part of my grand children's lives - but now they are moving on and I don't get so involved. I really do miss that.

January Thoughts!

It is near the end of the month and I have managed to stay quite cheerful, despite the dreadful weather. It has been cold (colder than usual) damp and dull. We have had very little sunshine and this month has dragged. However I am able to stay fairly stable - quite cheerful - and the spark of optimism is in the background waiting to show its head.

The days are slightly longer and the spring bulbs are beginning to show through and that gives me hope. I keep braving the cold and going out into the garden to watch their progress and can't wait to see the flowers bloom.

One nice thing happened to me the other day as I was walking home. I had just visited some friends (one who was in a nursing home having rehab and one who had been unwell) and feeling quite pleased with myself as both my friends were improving and we had had quite stimulating chats. An 'old woman' (she looked older and more decrepit than me) was walking towards me and called out - I went over to her and she said 'Oh, I do like your hair, it looks so beautiful against the blue of your coat.' I don't get many compliments and I just felt over the moon on hearing that. I felt a warm glow inside me which lasted for a few days. It is amazing what a few nice words can do!

I have been so very busy these past few weeks. I know that is a good thing, but somehow I am finding it a bit too much and I feel quite harassed. I am going on some week-day walks, working on a project about the Olympics for the U3A, doing some exercise classes, been to the theatre, cinema and 2 museums. And there are one or two other things I have done this month. I have also had visitors staying with me on and off so have been doing lots of housework, washing sheets etc. That is why I am feeling so exhausted. However, it is better than complaining about having nothing to do and how awful life is!

On Saturday I am helping out at the local museum for half a day and on Sunday going on one of my Sunday walks. I hope to get some nice photos to post on this blog.

Last Sunday I went to the Royal Academy with one of my daughters and her partner to see some modern Sculpture. I really did not understand it at all. My daughter thought it was great, but I am unable to understand why an enclosed vitrine holding rotting meat, a cow's head and remains of a barbecue together with flies and maggots all over is art! What was funny was that there was a layer of bricks laid out neatly on the floor - all lined up - except for a few bricks that were slightly separated from the rest. I was studying it wondering whether these bricks were meant to be like that, when my daughter came over and told me that she had seen a man trip over the bricks and they had not been put back in place! There were some things I liked and felt I could understand or just admire. One of the exhibits was a sculpture of a mother and child made in the 1930's and it was made by the mother-in-law of a friend of my daughter. We found it quite delightful. It was lovely to be with the two of them and we had a lovely cream tea afterwards.

Anyway, this is the last day of the month and I am feeling quite positive and looking forward to the spring.