Feelings!

I have just read an old post of mine where I wrote about happiness. I found that quite emotional. It is not often I have those feelings now a days.  

However,I realise I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a loving family and I take great pride in them. On my birthday some of them came over for lunch and it was such a splendid day. I was especially moved when my Grandson and his girlfriend made the effort to come from Brighton. He hadn't been feeling well and went to the hospital for a check up and, even though it was late, they decided to take the train and arrived about 5 pm. That really made my day.

The next day I went to Suffolk. I housesit for friends 2/3 times a year. At first I used to look after their dogs, but now they take them abroad with them and I have the house to myself. I feel so very priviledged to be able to stay in this wonderful old Suffolk long house (about 16th Century) which has been updated, but retains its old world style. Also it is such a contrast from grubby old London to live for a while in this idyllic country village.

I go on many walks in the countryside and see the changes each season makes. In the spring the primroses and early summer flowers and the leaves starting to grow on the trees. Then, as recently, everything so green and luxuriant. The barley was beginning to change colour and the wheat was still quite green. This has been a particularly wet summer and so everything was just growing and growing. My next visit will be in the Autumn.

To crown this superb time, my son and his wife visited me for the day. This was because they weren't able to come with the others on my birthday. It was just so nice to have some time with them. I really do miss regular contact with them and it is such a bonus when we get together.

I am back home now and things are still going well. I spent a delightful week-end. A friend, who lives very near to me, and I went to a wonderful concert on the Saturday evening and on the next day we went to a garden party. And I felt really very happy!

I felt down a bit today as it just rained all day and I was also feeling quite tired. So I am pleased that I read that positive post about happiness. Just to remind me that I am happy most of the time. Though I do grumble and feel down from time to time.

 It is particularly hard to get old and feel less able to do things one used to do with ease. But I am much more able than some of my friends so I am very thankful for that.

By the way, I was 78 this birthday!

I thought I had lost this post - but it has suddenly turned up!!

Thoughts for June

I am confused about the new settings for this blog. I am used to the old way and can't cope with change!

May and June have been very up and down. There were times when I was really in despair, life was getting so complicated. Everything mechanical seemed to go wrong and I was floundering and trying to work out what I think were very complicated technical actions. TV, DVD, new cooker, new washing machine, the printer needing a new cartridge - all seemed too much.

There was one day when I felt I had coped with so much - things were going wrong and I was trying so hard to correct them. Eventually my washing machine had broken down and I had bought a new model. The act of choosing a new machine was just too much for me - I came home almost in tears feeling completely overwhelmed and just wanting to talk to someone (my son's name came into my mind) and as I came in through the front door the phone was ringing and it was my son! I just cried for a moment - but felt so relieved that there was someone I could talk to. Another incident, more recently, was when I had to put a new ink cartridge into the printer. This is a new printer and so I had never done it before and was, understandably, nervous. I actually did it quite easily but once again my nerves were on edge and I felt tearful - my daughter phoned me just at that point. It was if we were both on the same wave length.


One disaster was that the glass oven door of my brand new oven just smashed into smithereens. The door opened downwards - and some thing that had been resting on the hob fell down on to it and the glass shattered. It shattered into tiny little pieces - just like a windscreen when a stone hits it with force! This has now been repaired.

I have also been away to Stafford with my Fine Arts group and that was a very good experience. I haven't put the photos onto 'Easyshare' yet - when I have done so I will put some pictures onto the blog.

I also spent a few days in Kent with a friend. This friend I have known since 1976. We have been good friends ever since and shared many ups and downs in our lives as well as some holidays. We don't see very much of each other but over the last few years have met up about 3 times a year in this place in Kent. During these mini holidays we have shared driving and visiting places of interest and get on very well. However over the years my friend has deteriorated in health and now cannot do things that she used to do.She has slowed down and cannot walk as she used to. So I find I have to leave her and do things on my own. I find she is self absorbed and I don't get the pleasure in her company that I used to get. I have always admired her so much and put her on a pedestal - but have now changed my opinion. I feel so very mean about it. I hate to think this way and I try to be very patient with her. I also am very fond of her but I get so frustrated in her company. I also feel so awful feeling this way.

Yesterday I had a nice day with my Sunday group. We walked on the tow path of the canal, from Little Venice to Camden Town. It was a very nice warm, sunny day and the company was good.

I still have friendship problems but can't talk about them in this blog. Next time I will try and talk about my feelings about friends. It is enough that I wrote about my frustrations with technology and coping with problems in putting them right.

Time passes!

I am forever surprised at how time passes. I suppose it is because I lead such an active life.

I realise that I have been writing this blog for 2 years. I started it mainly because I was so overwhelmed by life and felt the need to let out all my feelings and emotions. During this time I think I have managed to do what I set out to - and I am now much calmer and able to deal with my life. Though there have been times when I have taken a backward step.

Since I last wrote in January I started to work on a project through the U3A and the British Library. This has been very good for me as it has helped with my confidence, helped me use my brain and to learn something new. I seem to have done projects over the past 2 years (this is my third one) and have really benefited from them.I have met new people and shared new experiences.

The one I am finishing now is about Green London and the topic I am working on is about the Jubilee Greenway, which is a walking route around London to celebrate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and also the London Olympics. During my research I found out some interesting facts and also have been walking around parts of London that are connected with the walks. I also went to Buckingham Palace (not inside but one of the crowds looking on) to see the opening of the walkway by the Queen.

The photo is part of the opening ceremony. The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh were there and the lady in the cream coat was the Project Manager. I had spoken to her on the phone and she was very generous in giving me a lot of detail about the Greenway and also giving me her time in checking my work describing the project.

Eventually my work will be included with others in a book about the greening of London and handed to the British Museum. I really don't expect anyone will read the book but it is nice to know that I have made a contribution to this study.

I also spent this term (Jan-March) walking around London with a group from the City Lit (An Adult College) learning about little known parts of London. So this covered Saturdays. I have been doing some of these walks over the years and the Guides on these walks are usually excellent. Though I am learning new things all the time, it doesn't mean that I remember all of them.

My memory is really getting worse and I am often forgetting words and find it difficult to complete explanations because i can't think of the words I want to describe. This is really frightening. I must say the rest of me is not so bad. I have lost a little weight, and look good. I have a few aches and pains in my joints (Arthritic) but not bad enough to incapacitate me.

Last week I was feeling very tired and run down. It is OK to be as active as I am - but I forget that I am nearly 78 and no longer a youngster. So I do so much and then get very tired. I appear to be listening to other people's problems and feeling sympathy for them and giving support - but I still don't get the support I feel I need. Maybe I present myself as too independent - and hide my neediness.

In February I went to Florida for a week to be with my sister and brother in law. It wasn't my best holiday, but I did get on better with my sister. one day I will write about my complicated feeling about her.

That is all for now! I would like time to slow down a bit!

Last Summer

Thought I would look at some pictures taken on one of my Sunday outings. This brings back memories of last summer and the good times I had. This picture was taken on Chelsea Embankment with a group of U3A members. We had a picnic - the sun was shining - it was a lovely day - and then we visited Carlyle's House which was near by.

I have been a member of this group for about 10 years and up until recently it had been very successful. This group is mainly aimed at people who are on their own on Sundays and would like to visit places with other, like minded people. We have had so many lovely times together and seen so many interesting place in and around London. However, recently, there hasn't been much interest and it looks as if this group will fold. It would be such a shame as I have really enjoyed being part of this group and helping arrange the outings. But if people don't need us any more - what more can I do? We have set out a program for this term and will wait and see the reaction.

My next post will be about the end of the year 2011 and the beginning 2012. I need time to sort out my thoughts.

Decisions!

I have titled this blog as 'decisions' because I have recently had to make a major decision. Or at least I think of it as major. To other people it may just be quite simple to say a yes or no - but for me I have to contend with my mixed up thoughts - for example - have I made the right decision for me? - or is this a mistake? - or should I just sit back and let things happen. My mind starts to go around in circles

Then once I have made the decision my mind starts again. Was I wise to do this thing? Did I made the wrong decision? and then I think of the consequences and start worrying about them.

I decided to modernise my kitchen after 25 years. I recently found I had some money available from one of my accounts and felt it was a good way to use it. Money in the bank does not make much interest these days and I would delight in working in a new, brighter environment. My present kitchen is out dated and looking shabby. But I have used it with pleasure. I had it put in soon after I moved in to this house and a very good friend of mine installed it. So I have fond memories, But now I felt I needed a change. Also it would add to the value of the house for when I decide to move to somewhere smaller.

However once I had decided what I was going to have and arranged for the installation I got cold feet. I have spent two sleepless nights going over and over again into the practicalities of getting the kitchen installed. Will it all be delivered in time? Where will I put everything until it is installed? How am I going to clear out my present units? etc etc.

I suppose it shows a lack of confidence in myself. But also it makes me realise how difficult it is to decide major issues on my own. It is a time when I really need someone to share the decision making. It also makes me feel very much alone.

Anyway I cannot go back now as I have ordered everything, paid a deposit and arranged for the builder - so I must just go with it.....!

Otherwise life has been quite good. I had a good holiday in Europe (Prague/Budapest and Vienna) and it was very successful. I had one mishap when I was stung by a wasp and had a very bad reaction and had to go to a hospital in Vienna. (the Austrians were very organised and helpful) and my friend was very supportive - so all ended well.

When I have sorted out my photos I will try and publish one on my next blog.

Unexpected pleasure!

On Saturday I felt very much on my own. I had just got back from a week away staying with a friend and was getting up to date with my post, emails, phone messages etc but feeling very much alone. Most of my friends were away or ill and all my family had gone on their annual holidays. So I decided to be positive and to do something away from the home.

I decided to go to a film which had been recommended to me by my son. It wasn't on locally so I had to go all the way to the west end (which was a bit of a drag as it takes me about 1 hour on the underground) - but I was determined.

While I was waiting to get into the cinema I stood with two very charming young ladies (about 16-18 years old) and we started chatting. They were impressed that I had seen the latest Harry Potter film in 3-D! and then after talking about old films they said they liked 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and also 'My Fair Lady'. I said I had seen 'My Fair Lady' on the stage before the film was made and saw Rex Harrison and Julie Andrews playing the main parts - I think they were even more impressed.
We also talked about the 'King's Speech'. Then we went in to the film and they decided they wanted to sit next to me. I felt so flattered and really enjoyed chatting to them.

That was part of my pleasure of the day. The next bit is the film!!! It was a wow! film. The scenery, the photography, the atmosphere was just amazing. It was all about loss and mourning for a lost son/brother. It is very hard to explain, but I felt so involved in it and felt the emotions the actors felt. It was also about the growing up of a young boy (the one who died at 19) - but we never found out why he died (I think he died in a war). At the end I felt I had lived the story.

I got home feeling very refreshed and exhilerated.

However Sunday was different - I was alone all day - I did a lot of gardening - and though I enjoyed it I started to feel a bit depressed. Now it is Monday and I am going to have tea with a friend - so the week has started and I am going to be very positive!!!

It has been a busy summer so far and I haven't been on any walks on Sundays - but hope to start again in September

Summer is here!

It has certainly been a long time since I have written anything on this blog. It doesn't mean nothing has happened - but just that I have not felt the need to write. Life has progressed reasonably well. I have done lots of nice things and enjoyed a period of sunshine and being out in the country.

One day as I went walking in the country I suddenly thought of the word that had escaped me some time ago when I was trying to describe how I felt when things were at their best and that word is 'Sublime'. When suddenly that feeling comes over you that this is very special and that you must hold it to yourself and try and remember it for as long as possible.

I did have another such moment when I was staying at my friends' house in the country. The weather was perfect - not too hot , not too cold. The fields were green starting to go golden - the sky was blue with puffy white clouds and I was walking on my own just dreaming when I realised that I was happy. I had no pressure on me, nowhere to get to in a hurry, I could go at my own pace and I felt at one with the world (does that expression sound trite?) Anyway it was a moment to treasure.

I had another enjoyable day last week-end when I visited my grown up grandson (he is 28) and spent a day with him and his girl friend. They were such great company and we had a glorious day.

So though there are times when I get very depressed and wonder what it is all about - I do have some wonderful moments. So I will try not to grumble - BUT - it I do need to grumble this is the place to do it!