Miserable May

We are nearly at the end of May and the weather hasn't improved very much. We have had a few days of fine weather - but very few. The recent Bank holiday was an exception as we had some really lovely weather  - which made it hard to go back to the old gloomy, rainy and cold days.

Tuesday rained all day. Today, Wednesday, hasn't been too bad, but I do feel chilled and have had to put the heating on. The heating on in May!!!

After the mice incident which I described in my last blog, things seemed to go well. My stay in the country was delightful, though cold. I did manage to get a few good walks in. At the cottage there were two new kittens - Sasha and Lazlo - who were delightful as well as two doves and their two chicks. I spent a lot of time just looking into the garden to look at the birds, who were feeding from the feeder I filled daily, and the doves and the chicks. The kittens were delightful.

Then back to London. One of my close friends has been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. They say they cannot operate but possibly chemo-therapy will help. But it doesn't look too good. I went to stay with her for a few days to give her some moral support. She is very brave and is coping amazingly.

Back home life went on - but the weather didn't improve. I have been fighting depression daily and trying to be positive.  I am beginning to feel my age and have various aches and pains - mostly in my neck and shoulders. I am finding it difficult to cope with problems and make decisions. I can feel my body tiring. I know that sounds very negative - but I am trying to be truthful. I am really finding it harder to function than previously. My memory doesn't work so well and my body doesn't feel as active as it was.

There have been a few problems. Such as the gear on my car didn't work so I had to take it into the garage and spent £250 for repairs. The positive thing is that I sorted the problem out - as my immediate reaction was to ignore it and not to do anything about it. I also feel very fortunate I didn't have to put in a new gear box as that would have been very expensive - more than the car is worth.

The other problem was that on Tuesday where is rained heavily for most of the day, the water came into my conservatory and there was a great pool of water. I put in large containers in the morning to catch the water and they were full by the time I got home in the evening. So I worried about how I was going to get it repaired etc and felt very low. BUT - my Italian friend who had been staying with me - came to the rescue.
He climbed a ladder and checked that the problem was the guttering was full of rubbish and needed to be cleaned out. And he proceeded to clear it and then used the hose to get rid of all the debris. I just felt so grateful for his help and kindness. In fact I feel very blessed as he and another friend of mine have done so much to help me with the house. I couldn't continue to stay here if I didn't have such kind friends.

Well, some of this blog has been miserable - but there have been some positive things too. So I will finish with this uplifting feeling.

March Miseries

March has been really miserable. Very cold weather, lots of biting wind, and I am feeling quite low. This winter has been very long and it doesn't seem to be ending at all. Usually there is a feeling of hope at this time of year - but not at the moment. There are still a few more days of the month left and the weather forecast is dreadful - very cold.

In the middle of February I had a cataract operation. The actual operation went quite well but somehow a piece of debris remained and was causing discomfort so I had to have the eyeball 'washed out' (this was more uncomfortable than the actual cataract op) but I am fine now. Still putting drops in my eye - but otherwise seeing quite well and waiting for an appointment to go to my opticians to get glasses. At present I do not really need glasses for most things. I am slightly shortsighed now - but can see most things other than very small print and will need to wear glasses for driving and tv. I have had to wear glasses most of my life so it will be a relief not to have to rely on them now.

The Cataract Operation added to my miseries the end of February and beginning of March - but there have been other factors. My social life has slowed down again and, as usual, am beginning to feel that I am on my own and no-one cares. I must say my children have shown me every care and attention - but my friends seem to have disappeared from my life.  They had all had health or family problems which leaves me on my own. Whereas I usually meet a friend for tea/coffee or lunch weekly - these have stopped and I find I'm doing things on my own. I don't mind being on my own but I do like having people around me with whom I can communicate.

Another problem has been - mice. I have had mice in my kitchen for the past 2 weeks and have been trying to get rid of them. I have (against my sensitive feelings) had to put down poison. Today there has been a very slight sign of the 'little visitors' but I am now visualising them eating the poison and then dying a horrible death and feeling really bad about this.

Anyway positive things. I am going away next Tuesday for a few days to Kent. I usually go with a friend of mine but she is one of my friends with health problems so part of the time I will be on my own. She hopes to come down for a day which will be nice if she can manage this. The weather will still be cold - but it will be good to get away from dreary London.

Soon I will go to my usual village in Suffolk for a week in April and I am really looking forward to that. There will 2 other occasions for me visiting that area this year.

On Easter Monday the family will come over for afternoon tea. That will give me great pleasure.

I have booked a holiday in California to see my cousin who lives there. I am going in October and will see her, some old friends and relations. So that is something really nice to look forward to.

I am already feeling a little bit happier after writing this. I am going to The Royal Academy to see an Art exhibition later today. On my own - but will enjoy this.

New Year Thoughts

Its the beginning of the year so thought it appropriate to write something about the past and also new thoughts for the future.

I dreaded the Christmas Holidays. There is so much panic and everyone seems to be racing around preparing for those few days - buying and buying as if there is no tomorrow. We are in a depression and people still seem to be spending loads of money on gifts.

My family are the same - but, I must say, it was a really nice Christmas after all. One daughter and her partner made a lovely traditional dinner and then we played games and it was really quite nice. Then on Boxing day I went to my other daughter and we had a pleasant time together with some friends of theirs. And on Christmas Eve I spent some time with my son, daughter-in-law and their teenage twins - and that was really good.

Being on my own and getting older, I can't help feeling that my relationship with my family is changing. I always thought I was a pivotal person in the family, but now they have all over taken me and all lead busy and stressful lives. I know they all love me - but they look upon me as old and past it (I don't mean they ignore me - but that they just think I will always be there, always there if they need me) but otherwise I am just put in a little box in their mind as 'good old mum'. I just don't feel very important or part of their lives as I used to. This is all very clumsily put - but I find it hard to verbalise how I feel. I have spoken about it to one or two of my friends and they feel the same as me. They love their children and their children love them - but we are all 'has-beens'. I suppose it is natural. All our children are aged between 40 and early 50's and they are at their prime and we are sliding downhill. When our parents were our age we thought they were very old also - but they were a lot older in their ways that we are. We are healthier and more active than any past generation. In fact we are very lucky.

The digital explosion hasn't help us as it puts us at a disadvantage. The younger generation talk about things with their children that we have no knowledge about or just a glimmer of understanding!

Still I am very proud of my family and they are doing very well under difficult circumstances. With the economic  situation of the moment they are all worried about their jobs and working very hard trying to look after their families. They are good, caring, hard-working people.

Fortunately my health was good last year and I hope it will continue so for this coming year. I have a small concern about my cholesterol and also will be having a cataract operation on one of my eyes in a few weeks time but otherwise my body is still quite fit and active. I exercise quite often and take care of my diet and so feel quit fit and I am determined to stay that way for as long as possible.

When I started this 'blog' about 2 years ago - I said 'Is there anybody out there' as felt so alone and that there is no-one just for me. I still do feel that way - but this 'blog' has helped me get over that when I have my bad days. Even if I don't write very often I still think about what I am going so say as I go about my everyday activities, so it has helped me get over those very emotional feelings I often get.

One good thing that has happened recently that should have a mention here. I spent 4 days in Barcelona. It was a really very nice break and I had a very enjoyable time with one of my friends. Maybe I will post some pictures of that trip next time.

A cold December

The year has flown by and today is the first day of December. Life has been reasonable recently and I have been neither unhappy or very happy - just 'plodding on'.

I often think about what I am going to say on this blog as I go about my life, but when I get to the computer everything just goes and I forget what I wanted to say. I still have problems with friendships but nothing upsetting has occurred lately and I am trying to be independent and not rely on other people being around.

I did go through a short spell of depression not long ago - but couldn't really talk to anyone. I tried to talk to my daughter and though she listened I felt that she was not really concentrating hard on what I was saying. She, herself, has been going through a very bad time and I have tried to always be there for her. To give her her due she did try and listen and be supportive.

I still worry about my children - even though they are in their 50's (one of them is 49)- and they do have problems. And some of them worry about their jobs and how they will support their families if they are made redundant! Life is so difficult for young people these days and I think it will get harder as the country is in a recession (as well as Europe and US) and the Government is making cuts in social welfare and the poor and special needs people are going to have to make cuts. It makes me mad when I think how rich the rich are and how little they suffer - BUT the less able are the ones that have to pay. It is all so very complicated and I find it hard to work out in my 'small' mind what is the best way for everyone to cope.

Anyway, to make things better I have decided to print a couple of photos of the cottage I stay in when I go to the country.

I am surprised at how easy it was! It also makes me remember how lovely it was when I was last there. I feel so privileged to have the chance to stay in this delightful area. It has really added a dimension to my life that I never thought I would have. I am also so pleased that I am able let my children share in my wonderful country life as I am able to invite them down at various times. I am also very happy there on my own - as I have made friends there and have been able to explore the lovely countryside.

Christmas is nearly upon us and I really dread this time. I panic about getting presents for everyone and food shopping and wanting to see all the family. It usually ends up quite well but I am pleased when it is over. I have just been frustrated when I phoned my son's home to try and make some arrangements to see the grandchildren when I was told I had to wait until they had sorted out their plans. I really feel bad that I don't see them as often as I would like. I get quite emotional about it in fact I am tearful at this moment.

I was with them so much when they were younger and looked after them from the age of 8 months but now I rarely have the chance to see them or to know what they are doing and that is quite sad.

The weather has become quite cold over the past couple of days - I never used to feel the cold as I have done recently. We had a strange summer, from dry weather to lots of rain and parts of the country have suffered floods, and now this cold patch is upon us. I wonder what the winter will be like.

That is all I can think of at the moment. Will write again soon.

Next time I will try and write about my experience with a new friend and religion.

Feelings!

I have just read an old post of mine where I wrote about happiness. I found that quite emotional. It is not often I have those feelings now a days.  

However,I realise I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a loving family and I take great pride in them. On my birthday some of them came over for lunch and it was such a splendid day. I was especially moved when my Grandson and his girlfriend made the effort to come from Brighton. He hadn't been feeling well and went to the hospital for a check up and, even though it was late, they decided to take the train and arrived about 5 pm. That really made my day.

The next day I went to Suffolk. I housesit for friends 2/3 times a year. At first I used to look after their dogs, but now they take them abroad with them and I have the house to myself. I feel so very priviledged to be able to stay in this wonderful old Suffolk long house (about 16th Century) which has been updated, but retains its old world style. Also it is such a contrast from grubby old London to live for a while in this idyllic country village.

I go on many walks in the countryside and see the changes each season makes. In the spring the primroses and early summer flowers and the leaves starting to grow on the trees. Then, as recently, everything so green and luxuriant. The barley was beginning to change colour and the wheat was still quite green. This has been a particularly wet summer and so everything was just growing and growing. My next visit will be in the Autumn.

To crown this superb time, my son and his wife visited me for the day. This was because they weren't able to come with the others on my birthday. It was just so nice to have some time with them. I really do miss regular contact with them and it is such a bonus when we get together.

I am back home now and things are still going well. I spent a delightful week-end. A friend, who lives very near to me, and I went to a wonderful concert on the Saturday evening and on the next day we went to a garden party. And I felt really very happy!

I felt down a bit today as it just rained all day and I was also feeling quite tired. So I am pleased that I read that positive post about happiness. Just to remind me that I am happy most of the time. Though I do grumble and feel down from time to time.

 It is particularly hard to get old and feel less able to do things one used to do with ease. But I am much more able than some of my friends so I am very thankful for that.

By the way, I was 78 this birthday!

I thought I had lost this post - but it has suddenly turned up!!

Thoughts for June

I am confused about the new settings for this blog. I am used to the old way and can't cope with change!

May and June have been very up and down. There were times when I was really in despair, life was getting so complicated. Everything mechanical seemed to go wrong and I was floundering and trying to work out what I think were very complicated technical actions. TV, DVD, new cooker, new washing machine, the printer needing a new cartridge - all seemed too much.

There was one day when I felt I had coped with so much - things were going wrong and I was trying so hard to correct them. Eventually my washing machine had broken down and I had bought a new model. The act of choosing a new machine was just too much for me - I came home almost in tears feeling completely overwhelmed and just wanting to talk to someone (my son's name came into my mind) and as I came in through the front door the phone was ringing and it was my son! I just cried for a moment - but felt so relieved that there was someone I could talk to. Another incident, more recently, was when I had to put a new ink cartridge into the printer. This is a new printer and so I had never done it before and was, understandably, nervous. I actually did it quite easily but once again my nerves were on edge and I felt tearful - my daughter phoned me just at that point. It was if we were both on the same wave length.


One disaster was that the glass oven door of my brand new oven just smashed into smithereens. The door opened downwards - and some thing that had been resting on the hob fell down on to it and the glass shattered. It shattered into tiny little pieces - just like a windscreen when a stone hits it with force! This has now been repaired.

I have also been away to Stafford with my Fine Arts group and that was a very good experience. I haven't put the photos onto 'Easyshare' yet - when I have done so I will put some pictures onto the blog.

I also spent a few days in Kent with a friend. This friend I have known since 1976. We have been good friends ever since and shared many ups and downs in our lives as well as some holidays. We don't see very much of each other but over the last few years have met up about 3 times a year in this place in Kent. During these mini holidays we have shared driving and visiting places of interest and get on very well. However over the years my friend has deteriorated in health and now cannot do things that she used to do.She has slowed down and cannot walk as she used to. So I find I have to leave her and do things on my own. I find she is self absorbed and I don't get the pleasure in her company that I used to get. I have always admired her so much and put her on a pedestal - but have now changed my opinion. I feel so very mean about it. I hate to think this way and I try to be very patient with her. I also am very fond of her but I get so frustrated in her company. I also feel so awful feeling this way.

Yesterday I had a nice day with my Sunday group. We walked on the tow path of the canal, from Little Venice to Camden Town. It was a very nice warm, sunny day and the company was good.

I still have friendship problems but can't talk about them in this blog. Next time I will try and talk about my feelings about friends. It is enough that I wrote about my frustrations with technology and coping with problems in putting them right.

Time passes!

I am forever surprised at how time passes. I suppose it is because I lead such an active life.

I realise that I have been writing this blog for 2 years. I started it mainly because I was so overwhelmed by life and felt the need to let out all my feelings and emotions. During this time I think I have managed to do what I set out to - and I am now much calmer and able to deal with my life. Though there have been times when I have taken a backward step.

Since I last wrote in January I started to work on a project through the U3A and the British Library. This has been very good for me as it has helped with my confidence, helped me use my brain and to learn something new. I seem to have done projects over the past 2 years (this is my third one) and have really benefited from them.I have met new people and shared new experiences.

The one I am finishing now is about Green London and the topic I am working on is about the Jubilee Greenway, which is a walking route around London to celebrate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and also the London Olympics. During my research I found out some interesting facts and also have been walking around parts of London that are connected with the walks. I also went to Buckingham Palace (not inside but one of the crowds looking on) to see the opening of the walkway by the Queen.

The photo is part of the opening ceremony. The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh were there and the lady in the cream coat was the Project Manager. I had spoken to her on the phone and she was very generous in giving me a lot of detail about the Greenway and also giving me her time in checking my work describing the project.

Eventually my work will be included with others in a book about the greening of London and handed to the British Museum. I really don't expect anyone will read the book but it is nice to know that I have made a contribution to this study.

I also spent this term (Jan-March) walking around London with a group from the City Lit (An Adult College) learning about little known parts of London. So this covered Saturdays. I have been doing some of these walks over the years and the Guides on these walks are usually excellent. Though I am learning new things all the time, it doesn't mean that I remember all of them.

My memory is really getting worse and I am often forgetting words and find it difficult to complete explanations because i can't think of the words I want to describe. This is really frightening. I must say the rest of me is not so bad. I have lost a little weight, and look good. I have a few aches and pains in my joints (Arthritic) but not bad enough to incapacitate me.

Last week I was feeling very tired and run down. It is OK to be as active as I am - but I forget that I am nearly 78 and no longer a youngster. So I do so much and then get very tired. I appear to be listening to other people's problems and feeling sympathy for them and giving support - but I still don't get the support I feel I need. Maybe I present myself as too independent - and hide my neediness.

In February I went to Florida for a week to be with my sister and brother in law. It wasn't my best holiday, but I did get on better with my sister. one day I will write about my complicated feeling about her.

That is all for now! I would like time to slow down a bit!