feeling good!

I have titled this feeling good, because I feel happy and healthy. I am also enjoying my family. My family is the most important thing in my life. Lately I have seen quite a lot of them and I feel very blessed that they want to be with me and appreciate me.

My son, who is very disabled, had a recital of his poems, together with a friend who played the piano. About 80 people attended. The idea was to  raise funds for  him to purchase a special bike. Since he had his double amputation he has not been able to cycle, which has been something he had always enjoyed. He is trying to get the type of bike that the Paralympic athletes use. He has now managed to raise the amount needed and is ordering this bike. It will be so wonderful for him to be able to cycle again. He is able to walk with prosthetic legs but is very ungainly and often it is painful and uncomfortable for him. This will make life so much easier for him. His life is one of struggle and achievement and he deserves some reward.

My health seems to be much better. I am no longer taking steroids (about 10 months). My allergies have improved, though a new one has occurred (but is not so bad as before). My feet, that had become very painful, are still painful but have improved in mobility. This is due to seeing an osteopath and a reflexologist who have worked really hard on them. There was a time I could only walk with difficulty and using painkillers.

When I first started this blog I was so full of anger and disappointments and needed to get all my feelings out. These days I seem calmer and less stressed.

I enjoy two very good exercise classes and belong to 3 groups so manage to be quite busy.. My old problems about friendship is still ongoing as my two closest friends have died  and my friendship group has become much smaller and I miss these two friends very much.

All in all I feel much calmer and happier. I hope this continues! This blog has been my outlet for my feelings!

families

I love my family. I think they are great. Lovely, warm, clever, intelligent and caring. But they each have problems which worry me. It also makes me feel guilty - is it my fault? Am I the cause of their problems. When they were young I did what I thought was the best for them. I had very little money, and had no one to advise me but when I think back on those days (and they were days of struggle) I wonder if I was correct to react in the way I did. It was the time of Women's Rights, equality, freedom for young people - the 60's and 70's.

S of their problems are ill-health. One suffers from a chronic disease and suffered amputations, also suffers from anxiety;  another suffers from  Rheumatoid arthritis;  the youngest from anxiety.

At my age (82) I shouldn't feel so worried about them. They are all married, have children, and all in work. They are capable to make their own decisions and manage their lives, but I still worry about them. I feel that I am able to support and counsel them BUT SHOULD I STILL DO THIS?

The are all loving and caring and that is important, but I want them to enjoy their lives more and not have so many cares.

When I think back on my life, I realise that I was also burdened with lots of cares in the past, probably at their age - so perhaps it is normal.

I do feel happy that I have such a lovely family and that they still need me and want me to be part of their lives. I love them dearly.

Getting older!

I still have problems with using this blog. Is it my laptop? I am using my laptop but I don't feel so confident using it as I used to with the old computer. The old pc isn't working now and so I am getting a new computer soon. I prefer a computer to a laptop. I have been fortunate in finding someone who is able to help me with computing problems. He has already helped me with e-bay and pay pal and I have managed to buy a few things on e-bay but cannot sell as yet as I can't manage to put photos from my camera on - I will eventually! At present he can't help me as he has just had an op but will be able to do so soon.

Health. my health has improved and I am no longer taking steroids. I still have irritations on my skin, which has been getting me down. I have tried all sorts of creams but they don't really work -  so  am going to a homoeopath for help. Hopefully this will help. I have had this problem for 3 years.

Otherwise, I am feeling good and positive. This has been a good year. Mentally I am calmer, my body is a bit stiff and I have arthritic pains. But I am 81 (nearly 82) so it is to be expected.

I went to France in August with my daughter and her partner (that was very successful) I went to a wedding in Brussels and recently went to an 80th birthday in Berlin. I also spent New Year in California. So I am still doing some good things. I still exercise, but don't walk so much due to arthritis in my feet. I try and keep active mentally and physically. I am trying to go to Australia in a year (but am not certain about it). It is a gruelling journey.

I want to try and put a photo in here !

It worked!

Feeling Good

I like that title 'feeling good' - it makes me feel that things are progressing. My health is improving - but very slowly. The medication I am taking makes me feel fine and the doctor says my inflammation levels have gone right down - but I am still taking steroids - though a very low dose. At present I am on 3 mg soon I will take 2 and then gradually going down. Then I was told my thyroid level under active and so I went on levothyroxine - some months later I had to double the dose - but so far I think it is Ok and the doctor is pleased with that.

Today has been a lovely day - early spring - a little cold - but some sunshine! This brings me hope and well-being so that is why I am 'feeling good'. I am adding a picture I took a few years ago - but thought it appropriate to show it when I am feeling like this.

My main problem at present is my new lap top. I am typing this on my old PC, because I am having so much trouble getting familiar with the new computer. It is the notorious 8.1. Mostly I use this old computer as I feel it is so much more efficient. The only problem is that is is so old and it is XP which is no longer supported so one day it will die a computer death. I do try and keep up with technology but it changes all the time and so I find it difficult. But I am not too bad for an 80 year old.

Yesterday was a family celebration for my youngest daughter's birthday. It was a lovely day and all the family were there. The tea was lovely and so was the company! So I suppose the happy feelings I had then are making me feel so much brighter today.

Bright berries!



A lovely day at Ruislip Lido!

 The photo with the berries - I just found - I don't remember when I took it but I thought it was quite cheerful.

I have a new camera now so intend to take lots more photos.

That is all for now!

Catching up with my life. Why can't I continue this blog!

I have lots of things to write about. My last blog seemed a bit depressing and I think I was depressed then. However some nice things have happened to me since then.

First of all my 80th Birthday!!! It was really wonderful. I had lots of different celebrations but the most memorable was the two I had with my family. My American cousin and her Granddaughter came to stay.

Then we all went out for a birthday dinner at a local Italian restaurant. A few days later my cousin and I went on a 3 day tour to Suffolk, where I showed my cousin some of my favourite places includidng the place that I stay when I visit. See the picture included.

A few days later I had my birthday tea party. I had booked a room at a local hotel and had a typical English Afternoon tea. There were 25 people (people that meant a lot to me - my family, of course, and a few special friends.There were balloons and pictures of me as a young girl and a young wife. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life to be surrounded by so much love and appreciation. The weather was very favourable and we were able to sit in the grounds sipping prosecco before the tea. I have lived on this memory ever since.

A few weeks later I had the very sad news that another old friend had died and that has put me into a contemplative mood ever since. Some of my very special friends, who were just a bit older than me have gone. A part of my history has disappeared and there is no one with whom I can share our shared experiences. I feel quite alone. I have fewer friends and the older special ones have now gone! It is very sad. 

Then in August I went to Canada for a family wedding. Usually I go on my own but this time I was accompanied by my twin Grandchildren (19 years old) and it was so lovely to be with them. This was also a lovely experience.

So in all I have been through some depressing times but in between there have been some lovely, memorable, heartwarming moment. At 80 I must say I am very lucky to be in reasonable health and to be surrounded by a loving family.  I do try and keep fit and exercise and eat well - and try and keep my mind active.

I think I have been writing this blog for 5 years. I must get a new photo of myself to put on  it so that I can compare.

My last item of note has been a reunion of some of my old friends, from my teenage years. Some of them I have seen recently but we have never all been together. We hope to meet up again in the New Year.

Christmas is coming - not my favourite time of the year. But I hope to write more about my feelings in the New Year.

Thoughts for June!

For some reason I have been having problems with this blog. I haven't written since last year. There seems to be a problem with this web site.

This hasn't been a good year for me so far. I have had some health problems which seem to be hanging on. However I don't feel too bad as I am taking medication to ease the problem. But I seem to be going to the doctors surgery for blood tests, doctors consultation and getting prescriptions and all this seems to be taking lots of energy.

I have given up going to my Fine Arts Group and Yoga and the Book club, but still find life quite busy.

I am still going to the market on Tuesdays. Have I written about this in the past - I don't remember. I have been quite successful in selling collectable for some years but this year I haven't done well at all and I have been feeling very despondent about it. But the last three weeks have improved a bit so I feel better about it

I have seen the family quite a bit recently as there have been some school holidays and they have had more time to see me.

This summer I am going to be 80 years old. I cannot believe that it is possible for me to be so old. In many ways I don't feel it or look it. But there are times that I really feel my age. I am going to celebrate by having a family tea party at a local hotel. I am looking forward to it.

I do feel anxious about things these days which I think is a sign of aging!

Last year I did quite a bit of travelling. From California to Seattle - then flying to Toronto. It was a really good but tiring time. Then in the New Year I went to Iceland for 3 days. That was a good trip also. I now have a trip to Toronto to look forward to this August.

 I hope the next time I write I will be a bit more positive enthusiastic.

Mundane happenings in my life.

There are still problems with this blog, but I am managing to get on it OK. I can't find spell check so have been making mistakes not realising. Also the paragraphs don't seem to work! Today has been a good and productive day. I went to my chiropractor this morning. I have been going for the past few months as I have had problems with my back and neck. I could hardly move my head without restriction and pain. But now it has almost got back to normal. I suppose after years of carrying heavy things, tensing up whenever I have had problems, etc. has created this problem. Then I went to the Estate Agent and told them I was isnterested in going ahead and sell my house and buy something smaller. I had been for a walk in the area the estate agent had recommended to me and find that I like them and wouldn't mind living in one of those sites. So when I get back from my trip abroad I will go ahead. Then I went to the dentist and had my teeth polished and so I feel good about them. And then I went to my book group to discuss a Graham Greene book we had recently read. The group are very unintellectual and we only discuss the books for a short while and then gossip about other things. The books are also not very demanding. But the people are really very nice and it is a pleasant 2 hours to spend once a month. Tomorrow I am going to my second yoga class. I used to go regularly for about 20 years but gave up 4 years ago. When I went last week I realised how stiff I was and that I would have to exercise as a beginner until I get back to my old standard (if I ever do get back to it). Another positive thing I have done is get my camera sorted out. For some reason (and I think it was I did something to it unknowingly) it stopped taking photos. The man in Curry's, where I had originally bought it, very kindly corrected it for me. It seems OK now and I hope to use it when I am abroad. My problem is that I take the camera but often forget to take any photos. But I must do so this time!!!!! I seem to be writing about very mundane things - but I think I am feeling a bit more relaxed and calmer at the moment. Next time I may be in a different mood.

Autumn - Exciting holidays! Glamorous celebrations!

Lately I have been having difficulty in getting onto this blog. I don't know why! Today I was just put straight on to it so the problem seems to have cleared up. I have called this 'Exciting holidays' and Glamorous celebrations! as in a week or so I am going to California and then on to Canada. In California I am going to see my cousin who is going to drive us to Seattle. LA to Santa Barbara, then Monterey, then San Francisco etc. I will write in more detail when I get back. Then we return to LA where we will both fly to Toronto. In Toronto I will see my sister and her family, where there will be a wedding of one of her ganddaugher's. So America will be the exciting time and Toronto the glamorous. My mind is going around and around wonderin what type of clothes I have to take with me. From warm California to colder Seattle, then back to warm California and then on to very cold Toronto and then back to wintery November in London. Otherwise I am looking forward to being away into a new environment in the company of my cousin, who I like, and then to be with my sister. It is all good. When I get back to London I have decided that I am going to put my house up for sale and move to a smaller abode. I live in a roomy 3 bedroom 2 reception room house and now that I am older I do not need so much space. A two bedroom flat or maisonette would be quite suitable. Also I live in a very built up, busy area, on a main road and it would be nice to live away from the noise and problems living here entails. In the past I have had so many problems with neighbours - this has all been sorted out - but it could happen again and I am hoaping the new area would be a nice place. So when I get back I will have lots to write about and also lots to do. There will be Christmas arrangements, preparing the house for sale etc. I hope my next blog will be more interesting.

A picture!

I am trying to print a picture.

Hooray!! I have managed it.

September Surprises!

This is my latest blog. I have titled it 'September Surprises' because it sounds good not that I have any real surprises. The summer was great - we had such lovely weather, but now it has turned colder and Autumn is really here. A lot is happening here. One Grandson has started Secondary School and two other Grandchildren are starting University - so it is full of anxieties and and emotions - but also happy feelings. I seem to have got out of my depressions. Part of it may be due to me taking medication for an underactive thyroid. I used to feel that I was so exhausted that I just didn't want to move and was overwhelmed by tiredness. Though I have only been taking this medication for 2 weeks I am beginning to feel more positive not so tired. I am not certain if that is the reason or whether I am just going through a phase of positiveness!! We shall see. I did feel depressed for a while about the fact that I had to take medication as I have always avoided doing so. I tried to add a picture but it didn't work - I wonder why. I also found it difficult to get on this blog. I think it is because they have changed the format and I have found it hard to access. I still have my worries about getting old and coping with it and I have had problems with my neck and shoulders. I have been unable to move them without pain and I was tightening up so that the movement was becoming more restrcted. However, I am having treatment with a Chiroptractic and things are easing. I am still trying to keep a healthy regime. I will try and write more another time.

Miserable May

We are nearly at the end of May and the weather hasn't improved very much. We have had a few days of fine weather - but very few. The recent Bank holiday was an exception as we had some really lovely weather  - which made it hard to go back to the old gloomy, rainy and cold days.

Tuesday rained all day. Today, Wednesday, hasn't been too bad, but I do feel chilled and have had to put the heating on. The heating on in May!!!

After the mice incident which I described in my last blog, things seemed to go well. My stay in the country was delightful, though cold. I did manage to get a few good walks in. At the cottage there were two new kittens - Sasha and Lazlo - who were delightful as well as two doves and their two chicks. I spent a lot of time just looking into the garden to look at the birds, who were feeding from the feeder I filled daily, and the doves and the chicks. The kittens were delightful.

Then back to London. One of my close friends has been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. They say they cannot operate but possibly chemo-therapy will help. But it doesn't look too good. I went to stay with her for a few days to give her some moral support. She is very brave and is coping amazingly.

Back home life went on - but the weather didn't improve. I have been fighting depression daily and trying to be positive.  I am beginning to feel my age and have various aches and pains - mostly in my neck and shoulders. I am finding it difficult to cope with problems and make decisions. I can feel my body tiring. I know that sounds very negative - but I am trying to be truthful. I am really finding it harder to function than previously. My memory doesn't work so well and my body doesn't feel as active as it was.

There have been a few problems. Such as the gear on my car didn't work so I had to take it into the garage and spent £250 for repairs. The positive thing is that I sorted the problem out - as my immediate reaction was to ignore it and not to do anything about it. I also feel very fortunate I didn't have to put in a new gear box as that would have been very expensive - more than the car is worth.

The other problem was that on Tuesday where is rained heavily for most of the day, the water came into my conservatory and there was a great pool of water. I put in large containers in the morning to catch the water and they were full by the time I got home in the evening. So I worried about how I was going to get it repaired etc and felt very low. BUT - my Italian friend who had been staying with me - came to the rescue.
He climbed a ladder and checked that the problem was the guttering was full of rubbish and needed to be cleaned out. And he proceeded to clear it and then used the hose to get rid of all the debris. I just felt so grateful for his help and kindness. In fact I feel very blessed as he and another friend of mine have done so much to help me with the house. I couldn't continue to stay here if I didn't have such kind friends.

Well, some of this blog has been miserable - but there have been some positive things too. So I will finish with this uplifting feeling.

March Miseries

March has been really miserable. Very cold weather, lots of biting wind, and I am feeling quite low. This winter has been very long and it doesn't seem to be ending at all. Usually there is a feeling of hope at this time of year - but not at the moment. There are still a few more days of the month left and the weather forecast is dreadful - very cold.

In the middle of February I had a cataract operation. The actual operation went quite well but somehow a piece of debris remained and was causing discomfort so I had to have the eyeball 'washed out' (this was more uncomfortable than the actual cataract op) but I am fine now. Still putting drops in my eye - but otherwise seeing quite well and waiting for an appointment to go to my opticians to get glasses. At present I do not really need glasses for most things. I am slightly shortsighed now - but can see most things other than very small print and will need to wear glasses for driving and tv. I have had to wear glasses most of my life so it will be a relief not to have to rely on them now.

The Cataract Operation added to my miseries the end of February and beginning of March - but there have been other factors. My social life has slowed down again and, as usual, am beginning to feel that I am on my own and no-one cares. I must say my children have shown me every care and attention - but my friends seem to have disappeared from my life.  They had all had health or family problems which leaves me on my own. Whereas I usually meet a friend for tea/coffee or lunch weekly - these have stopped and I find I'm doing things on my own. I don't mind being on my own but I do like having people around me with whom I can communicate.

Another problem has been - mice. I have had mice in my kitchen for the past 2 weeks and have been trying to get rid of them. I have (against my sensitive feelings) had to put down poison. Today there has been a very slight sign of the 'little visitors' but I am now visualising them eating the poison and then dying a horrible death and feeling really bad about this.

Anyway positive things. I am going away next Tuesday for a few days to Kent. I usually go with a friend of mine but she is one of my friends with health problems so part of the time I will be on my own. She hopes to come down for a day which will be nice if she can manage this. The weather will still be cold - but it will be good to get away from dreary London.

Soon I will go to my usual village in Suffolk for a week in April and I am really looking forward to that. There will 2 other occasions for me visiting that area this year.

On Easter Monday the family will come over for afternoon tea. That will give me great pleasure.

I have booked a holiday in California to see my cousin who lives there. I am going in October and will see her, some old friends and relations. So that is something really nice to look forward to.

I am already feeling a little bit happier after writing this. I am going to The Royal Academy to see an Art exhibition later today. On my own - but will enjoy this.

New Year Thoughts

Its the beginning of the year so thought it appropriate to write something about the past and also new thoughts for the future.

I dreaded the Christmas Holidays. There is so much panic and everyone seems to be racing around preparing for those few days - buying and buying as if there is no tomorrow. We are in a depression and people still seem to be spending loads of money on gifts.

My family are the same - but, I must say, it was a really nice Christmas after all. One daughter and her partner made a lovely traditional dinner and then we played games and it was really quite nice. Then on Boxing day I went to my other daughter and we had a pleasant time together with some friends of theirs. And on Christmas Eve I spent some time with my son, daughter-in-law and their teenage twins - and that was really good.

Being on my own and getting older, I can't help feeling that my relationship with my family is changing. I always thought I was a pivotal person in the family, but now they have all over taken me and all lead busy and stressful lives. I know they all love me - but they look upon me as old and past it (I don't mean they ignore me - but that they just think I will always be there, always there if they need me) but otherwise I am just put in a little box in their mind as 'good old mum'. I just don't feel very important or part of their lives as I used to. This is all very clumsily put - but I find it hard to verbalise how I feel. I have spoken about it to one or two of my friends and they feel the same as me. They love their children and their children love them - but we are all 'has-beens'. I suppose it is natural. All our children are aged between 40 and early 50's and they are at their prime and we are sliding downhill. When our parents were our age we thought they were very old also - but they were a lot older in their ways that we are. We are healthier and more active than any past generation. In fact we are very lucky.

The digital explosion hasn't help us as it puts us at a disadvantage. The younger generation talk about things with their children that we have no knowledge about or just a glimmer of understanding!

Still I am very proud of my family and they are doing very well under difficult circumstances. With the economic  situation of the moment they are all worried about their jobs and working very hard trying to look after their families. They are good, caring, hard-working people.

Fortunately my health was good last year and I hope it will continue so for this coming year. I have a small concern about my cholesterol and also will be having a cataract operation on one of my eyes in a few weeks time but otherwise my body is still quite fit and active. I exercise quite often and take care of my diet and so feel quit fit and I am determined to stay that way for as long as possible.

When I started this 'blog' about 2 years ago - I said 'Is there anybody out there' as felt so alone and that there is no-one just for me. I still do feel that way - but this 'blog' has helped me get over that when I have my bad days. Even if I don't write very often I still think about what I am going so say as I go about my everyday activities, so it has helped me get over those very emotional feelings I often get.

One good thing that has happened recently that should have a mention here. I spent 4 days in Barcelona. It was a really very nice break and I had a very enjoyable time with one of my friends. Maybe I will post some pictures of that trip next time.

A cold December

The year has flown by and today is the first day of December. Life has been reasonable recently and I have been neither unhappy or very happy - just 'plodding on'.

I often think about what I am going to say on this blog as I go about my life, but when I get to the computer everything just goes and I forget what I wanted to say. I still have problems with friendships but nothing upsetting has occurred lately and I am trying to be independent and not rely on other people being around.

I did go through a short spell of depression not long ago - but couldn't really talk to anyone. I tried to talk to my daughter and though she listened I felt that she was not really concentrating hard on what I was saying. She, herself, has been going through a very bad time and I have tried to always be there for her. To give her her due she did try and listen and be supportive.

I still worry about my children - even though they are in their 50's (one of them is 49)- and they do have problems. And some of them worry about their jobs and how they will support their families if they are made redundant! Life is so difficult for young people these days and I think it will get harder as the country is in a recession (as well as Europe and US) and the Government is making cuts in social welfare and the poor and special needs people are going to have to make cuts. It makes me mad when I think how rich the rich are and how little they suffer - BUT the less able are the ones that have to pay. It is all so very complicated and I find it hard to work out in my 'small' mind what is the best way for everyone to cope.

Anyway, to make things better I have decided to print a couple of photos of the cottage I stay in when I go to the country.

I am surprised at how easy it was! It also makes me remember how lovely it was when I was last there. I feel so privileged to have the chance to stay in this delightful area. It has really added a dimension to my life that I never thought I would have. I am also so pleased that I am able let my children share in my wonderful country life as I am able to invite them down at various times. I am also very happy there on my own - as I have made friends there and have been able to explore the lovely countryside.

Christmas is nearly upon us and I really dread this time. I panic about getting presents for everyone and food shopping and wanting to see all the family. It usually ends up quite well but I am pleased when it is over. I have just been frustrated when I phoned my son's home to try and make some arrangements to see the grandchildren when I was told I had to wait until they had sorted out their plans. I really feel bad that I don't see them as often as I would like. I get quite emotional about it in fact I am tearful at this moment.

I was with them so much when they were younger and looked after them from the age of 8 months but now I rarely have the chance to see them or to know what they are doing and that is quite sad.

The weather has become quite cold over the past couple of days - I never used to feel the cold as I have done recently. We had a strange summer, from dry weather to lots of rain and parts of the country have suffered floods, and now this cold patch is upon us. I wonder what the winter will be like.

That is all I can think of at the moment. Will write again soon.

Next time I will try and write about my experience with a new friend and religion.

Feelings!

I have just read an old post of mine where I wrote about happiness. I found that quite emotional. It is not often I have those feelings now a days.  

However,I realise I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a loving family and I take great pride in them. On my birthday some of them came over for lunch and it was such a splendid day. I was especially moved when my Grandson and his girlfriend made the effort to come from Brighton. He hadn't been feeling well and went to the hospital for a check up and, even though it was late, they decided to take the train and arrived about 5 pm. That really made my day.

The next day I went to Suffolk. I housesit for friends 2/3 times a year. At first I used to look after their dogs, but now they take them abroad with them and I have the house to myself. I feel so very priviledged to be able to stay in this wonderful old Suffolk long house (about 16th Century) which has been updated, but retains its old world style. Also it is such a contrast from grubby old London to live for a while in this idyllic country village.

I go on many walks in the countryside and see the changes each season makes. In the spring the primroses and early summer flowers and the leaves starting to grow on the trees. Then, as recently, everything so green and luxuriant. The barley was beginning to change colour and the wheat was still quite green. This has been a particularly wet summer and so everything was just growing and growing. My next visit will be in the Autumn.

To crown this superb time, my son and his wife visited me for the day. This was because they weren't able to come with the others on my birthday. It was just so nice to have some time with them. I really do miss regular contact with them and it is such a bonus when we get together.

I am back home now and things are still going well. I spent a delightful week-end. A friend, who lives very near to me, and I went to a wonderful concert on the Saturday evening and on the next day we went to a garden party. And I felt really very happy!

I felt down a bit today as it just rained all day and I was also feeling quite tired. So I am pleased that I read that positive post about happiness. Just to remind me that I am happy most of the time. Though I do grumble and feel down from time to time.

 It is particularly hard to get old and feel less able to do things one used to do with ease. But I am much more able than some of my friends so I am very thankful for that.

By the way, I was 78 this birthday!

I thought I had lost this post - but it has suddenly turned up!!

Thoughts for June

I am confused about the new settings for this blog. I am used to the old way and can't cope with change!

May and June have been very up and down. There were times when I was really in despair, life was getting so complicated. Everything mechanical seemed to go wrong and I was floundering and trying to work out what I think were very complicated technical actions. TV, DVD, new cooker, new washing machine, the printer needing a new cartridge - all seemed too much.

There was one day when I felt I had coped with so much - things were going wrong and I was trying so hard to correct them. Eventually my washing machine had broken down and I had bought a new model. The act of choosing a new machine was just too much for me - I came home almost in tears feeling completely overwhelmed and just wanting to talk to someone (my son's name came into my mind) and as I came in through the front door the phone was ringing and it was my son! I just cried for a moment - but felt so relieved that there was someone I could talk to. Another incident, more recently, was when I had to put a new ink cartridge into the printer. This is a new printer and so I had never done it before and was, understandably, nervous. I actually did it quite easily but once again my nerves were on edge and I felt tearful - my daughter phoned me just at that point. It was if we were both on the same wave length.


One disaster was that the glass oven door of my brand new oven just smashed into smithereens. The door opened downwards - and some thing that had been resting on the hob fell down on to it and the glass shattered. It shattered into tiny little pieces - just like a windscreen when a stone hits it with force! This has now been repaired.

I have also been away to Stafford with my Fine Arts group and that was a very good experience. I haven't put the photos onto 'Easyshare' yet - when I have done so I will put some pictures onto the blog.

I also spent a few days in Kent with a friend. This friend I have known since 1976. We have been good friends ever since and shared many ups and downs in our lives as well as some holidays. We don't see very much of each other but over the last few years have met up about 3 times a year in this place in Kent. During these mini holidays we have shared driving and visiting places of interest and get on very well. However over the years my friend has deteriorated in health and now cannot do things that she used to do.She has slowed down and cannot walk as she used to. So I find I have to leave her and do things on my own. I find she is self absorbed and I don't get the pleasure in her company that I used to get. I have always admired her so much and put her on a pedestal - but have now changed my opinion. I feel so very mean about it. I hate to think this way and I try to be very patient with her. I also am very fond of her but I get so frustrated in her company. I also feel so awful feeling this way.

Yesterday I had a nice day with my Sunday group. We walked on the tow path of the canal, from Little Venice to Camden Town. It was a very nice warm, sunny day and the company was good.

I still have friendship problems but can't talk about them in this blog. Next time I will try and talk about my feelings about friends. It is enough that I wrote about my frustrations with technology and coping with problems in putting them right.

Time passes!

I am forever surprised at how time passes. I suppose it is because I lead such an active life.

I realise that I have been writing this blog for 2 years. I started it mainly because I was so overwhelmed by life and felt the need to let out all my feelings and emotions. During this time I think I have managed to do what I set out to - and I am now much calmer and able to deal with my life. Though there have been times when I have taken a backward step.

Since I last wrote in January I started to work on a project through the U3A and the British Library. This has been very good for me as it has helped with my confidence, helped me use my brain and to learn something new. I seem to have done projects over the past 2 years (this is my third one) and have really benefited from them.I have met new people and shared new experiences.

The one I am finishing now is about Green London and the topic I am working on is about the Jubilee Greenway, which is a walking route around London to celebrate the Queen's Diamond Jubilee and also the London Olympics. During my research I found out some interesting facts and also have been walking around parts of London that are connected with the walks. I also went to Buckingham Palace (not inside but one of the crowds looking on) to see the opening of the walkway by the Queen.

The photo is part of the opening ceremony. The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh were there and the lady in the cream coat was the Project Manager. I had spoken to her on the phone and she was very generous in giving me a lot of detail about the Greenway and also giving me her time in checking my work describing the project.

Eventually my work will be included with others in a book about the greening of London and handed to the British Museum. I really don't expect anyone will read the book but it is nice to know that I have made a contribution to this study.

I also spent this term (Jan-March) walking around London with a group from the City Lit (An Adult College) learning about little known parts of London. So this covered Saturdays. I have been doing some of these walks over the years and the Guides on these walks are usually excellent. Though I am learning new things all the time, it doesn't mean that I remember all of them.

My memory is really getting worse and I am often forgetting words and find it difficult to complete explanations because i can't think of the words I want to describe. This is really frightening. I must say the rest of me is not so bad. I have lost a little weight, and look good. I have a few aches and pains in my joints (Arthritic) but not bad enough to incapacitate me.

Last week I was feeling very tired and run down. It is OK to be as active as I am - but I forget that I am nearly 78 and no longer a youngster. So I do so much and then get very tired. I appear to be listening to other people's problems and feeling sympathy for them and giving support - but I still don't get the support I feel I need. Maybe I present myself as too independent - and hide my neediness.

In February I went to Florida for a week to be with my sister and brother in law. It wasn't my best holiday, but I did get on better with my sister. one day I will write about my complicated feeling about her.

That is all for now! I would like time to slow down a bit!

Last Summer

Thought I would look at some pictures taken on one of my Sunday outings. This brings back memories of last summer and the good times I had. This picture was taken on Chelsea Embankment with a group of U3A members. We had a picnic - the sun was shining - it was a lovely day - and then we visited Carlyle's House which was near by.

I have been a member of this group for about 10 years and up until recently it had been very successful. This group is mainly aimed at people who are on their own on Sundays and would like to visit places with other, like minded people. We have had so many lovely times together and seen so many interesting place in and around London. However, recently, there hasn't been much interest and it looks as if this group will fold. It would be such a shame as I have really enjoyed being part of this group and helping arrange the outings. But if people don't need us any more - what more can I do? We have set out a program for this term and will wait and see the reaction.

My next post will be about the end of the year 2011 and the beginning 2012. I need time to sort out my thoughts.

Decisions!

I have titled this blog as 'decisions' because I have recently had to make a major decision. Or at least I think of it as major. To other people it may just be quite simple to say a yes or no - but for me I have to contend with my mixed up thoughts - for example - have I made the right decision for me? - or is this a mistake? - or should I just sit back and let things happen. My mind starts to go around in circles

Then once I have made the decision my mind starts again. Was I wise to do this thing? Did I made the wrong decision? and then I think of the consequences and start worrying about them.

I decided to modernise my kitchen after 25 years. I recently found I had some money available from one of my accounts and felt it was a good way to use it. Money in the bank does not make much interest these days and I would delight in working in a new, brighter environment. My present kitchen is out dated and looking shabby. But I have used it with pleasure. I had it put in soon after I moved in to this house and a very good friend of mine installed it. So I have fond memories, But now I felt I needed a change. Also it would add to the value of the house for when I decide to move to somewhere smaller.

However once I had decided what I was going to have and arranged for the installation I got cold feet. I have spent two sleepless nights going over and over again into the practicalities of getting the kitchen installed. Will it all be delivered in time? Where will I put everything until it is installed? How am I going to clear out my present units? etc etc.

I suppose it shows a lack of confidence in myself. But also it makes me realise how difficult it is to decide major issues on my own. It is a time when I really need someone to share the decision making. It also makes me feel very much alone.

Anyway I cannot go back now as I have ordered everything, paid a deposit and arranged for the builder - so I must just go with it.....!

Otherwise life has been quite good. I had a good holiday in Europe (Prague/Budapest and Vienna) and it was very successful. I had one mishap when I was stung by a wasp and had a very bad reaction and had to go to a hospital in Vienna. (the Austrians were very organised and helpful) and my friend was very supportive - so all ended well.

When I have sorted out my photos I will try and publish one on my next blog.

Unexpected pleasure!

On Saturday I felt very much on my own. I had just got back from a week away staying with a friend and was getting up to date with my post, emails, phone messages etc but feeling very much alone. Most of my friends were away or ill and all my family had gone on their annual holidays. So I decided to be positive and to do something away from the home.

I decided to go to a film which had been recommended to me by my son. It wasn't on locally so I had to go all the way to the west end (which was a bit of a drag as it takes me about 1 hour on the underground) - but I was determined.

While I was waiting to get into the cinema I stood with two very charming young ladies (about 16-18 years old) and we started chatting. They were impressed that I had seen the latest Harry Potter film in 3-D! and then after talking about old films they said they liked 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and also 'My Fair Lady'. I said I had seen 'My Fair Lady' on the stage before the film was made and saw Rex Harrison and Julie Andrews playing the main parts - I think they were even more impressed.
We also talked about the 'King's Speech'. Then we went in to the film and they decided they wanted to sit next to me. I felt so flattered and really enjoyed chatting to them.

That was part of my pleasure of the day. The next bit is the film!!! It was a wow! film. The scenery, the photography, the atmosphere was just amazing. It was all about loss and mourning for a lost son/brother. It is very hard to explain, but I felt so involved in it and felt the emotions the actors felt. It was also about the growing up of a young boy (the one who died at 19) - but we never found out why he died (I think he died in a war). At the end I felt I had lived the story.

I got home feeling very refreshed and exhilerated.

However Sunday was different - I was alone all day - I did a lot of gardening - and though I enjoyed it I started to feel a bit depressed. Now it is Monday and I am going to have tea with a friend - so the week has started and I am going to be very positive!!!

It has been a busy summer so far and I haven't been on any walks on Sundays - but hope to start again in September