Mood swings!

Last time I wrote I was quite high. It had been my birthday and everything seemed to be going really well. But reality set in and my mood has gone right down.



It is not as if I don't do interesting things and go places and keep in touch with friends - my life seems quite full - but when I stop to think I realise that I am on my own - and I have to make an effort to do all those things. Underneath the optimism and enjoyment of what I am doing - is a depressed person. I miss having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. I miss discussing with someone who cares what matters to me. This blog helps a bit as it gives me an outlet to express myself. But, of course, I need a real live person.



I do try and discuss things with my friends, but they seem so taken up with their problems and needs - that I tend to shut up about myself and just listen sympathetically to them. Because I understand how they feel, I can empathise with them - but that means putting my needs last and I tend to clam up.



Decision making is another thing I find difficult to do at these times. I dither about what I should do - one minute I say 'yes, go ahead' and then I say 'why - do you really want to do this'. Then I am afraid that if I stop doing an activity I will then find time hanging and then desperately look for something to do. Realistically I do need to fill in my time but not go to extremes as other people seem to do. Some of my friends seem to fill in every minute of their week. I do like to have some time on my own - but too much time alone makes me depressed.



I made the decision years ago that I didn't want to stay with my husband - but I did think I would meet someone else. However that didn't happen and I remained on my own. Yes, I did meet other men - but none of them were of the type that I could share my life with.



I have done so many wonderful things in my life since I have been on my own - I have had adventures and seen and done great things. I may not have been able to do any of these things if I had been in a relationship - certainly not if I had remained with my husband. As I am writing this I can feel my mood lightening and am remembering some of the super things I have done. So it has done me some good writing this.



The best day of this week was Wednesday. I met my son at the Royal Academy to see the Summer Exhibition and we had a good time. Having coffee in the Friends Room, looking at various paintings and discussing our feeling about them - and just being together. We also had lunch sitting in the courtyard of the Royal Academy. The weather was also lovely.

The Sunday before I went for a lovely walk with one of my daughters and her partner in Hertfordshire and that was also a great day. The weather was good and we walked through golden fields, the wheat was ripening and there were notices stating that the wheat was specially grown for the local mill. We got to the Mill and bought some wonderful fresh bread - just baked from local wheat! It was a wonderful feeling getting something that was grown locally.

So after all that - how can I remain depressed!!!

My Birthday Thoughts!

I am the one in red. I don't think I look 76 - do I?
This was taken in an outdoor Gym when I went on my last Sunday walk!







Its my birthday today. I am 76 years old. I can't believe I am that old - but I am. Today I don't feel my age as I had a lovely day and feel fit and young.


Sometimes I feel very low and think no-one cares about me - but today really proves that I am wrong. My 3 children and my oldest Grandson all phoned me and I had phone calls and emails from abroad. E-mails from Argentina, Belgium, Germany and Canada! My friend in Germany also called but I was not in. I just feel very loved and cared for and on top of the world!





On Sunday I had all the family over for afternoon tea. It was a great afternoon and I made lots of sandwiches, cakes and Strawberries and cream. I always like to have Strawberries on my birthday. I think the 1st July is a special day as it is the middle of the year, it is the middle of the summer and the sun usually shines! The finale of the day was when my son had to return to collect something he had left behind. By that time it was 9.30 at night, but we sat outside in the garden eating dessert of strawberries and cream, feeling very content and relaxed. It was really lovely to have that special time with him. He called it the 'post script'!





Today, my actual birthday, my youngest daughter took me out for lunch. It was a very nice restaurant overlooking a park. The weather was also very good. Afterwards we met the children from school and I spent an hour with them before I made my way home. It has been very hot today - and I feel very sleepy. So I had another lovely day.





I have some photos of my garden on Kodak Share - but cannot find away to get copies on to this blog. I have tried putting them into a document but it doesn't happen. Still I have one photo that I saved on my documents from an email someone sent me and I will try and print it now.

I know this blog is for me to have a grumble and get my frustrations out but this week has been so good that I can't think of anything to moan about. Last Saturday I had lunch with an old friend in her garden and it was very relaxing. We haven't spent such a nice time together for years . Then on Monday I met another old friend and we had a super walk along the tow path of the canal from Camden to Regents Park - through Regents Park and on to Euston. It was so good to talk to someone I have known since I was 14. We recollected that we bought our first peddle pusher jeans and our first bikinis together - we were quite the trend setters in those days!

So I will end on this happy exuberant note!