Mood swings!

Last time I wrote I was quite high. It had been my birthday and everything seemed to be going really well. But reality set in and my mood has gone right down.



It is not as if I don't do interesting things and go places and keep in touch with friends - my life seems quite full - but when I stop to think I realise that I am on my own - and I have to make an effort to do all those things. Underneath the optimism and enjoyment of what I am doing - is a depressed person. I miss having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. I miss discussing with someone who cares what matters to me. This blog helps a bit as it gives me an outlet to express myself. But, of course, I need a real live person.



I do try and discuss things with my friends, but they seem so taken up with their problems and needs - that I tend to shut up about myself and just listen sympathetically to them. Because I understand how they feel, I can empathise with them - but that means putting my needs last and I tend to clam up.



Decision making is another thing I find difficult to do at these times. I dither about what I should do - one minute I say 'yes, go ahead' and then I say 'why - do you really want to do this'. Then I am afraid that if I stop doing an activity I will then find time hanging and then desperately look for something to do. Realistically I do need to fill in my time but not go to extremes as other people seem to do. Some of my friends seem to fill in every minute of their week. I do like to have some time on my own - but too much time alone makes me depressed.



I made the decision years ago that I didn't want to stay with my husband - but I did think I would meet someone else. However that didn't happen and I remained on my own. Yes, I did meet other men - but none of them were of the type that I could share my life with.



I have done so many wonderful things in my life since I have been on my own - I have had adventures and seen and done great things. I may not have been able to do any of these things if I had been in a relationship - certainly not if I had remained with my husband. As I am writing this I can feel my mood lightening and am remembering some of the super things I have done. So it has done me some good writing this.



The best day of this week was Wednesday. I met my son at the Royal Academy to see the Summer Exhibition and we had a good time. Having coffee in the Friends Room, looking at various paintings and discussing our feeling about them - and just being together. We also had lunch sitting in the courtyard of the Royal Academy. The weather was also lovely.

The Sunday before I went for a lovely walk with one of my daughters and her partner in Hertfordshire and that was also a great day. The weather was good and we walked through golden fields, the wheat was ripening and there were notices stating that the wheat was specially grown for the local mill. We got to the Mill and bought some wonderful fresh bread - just baked from local wheat! It was a wonderful feeling getting something that was grown locally.

So after all that - how can I remain depressed!!!