Autumn Pictures

Just thought I would like to add this lovely photo that someone took while were on our walk between Rickmansworth and Watford. It was such a lovely day (well, most of it as it rained towards the end). It was such a pleasant day.

The colours are so lovely and the scene so autumnal and peaceful.

November Sadness

I have titled this blog - November Sadness - because this month is always so very miserable. The end of the Autumn, the beginning of the Winter and the short days and dark long night are with us. I never used t0 feel the cold but this year it seems to affect me. I am hoping I will become adjusted to feeling chilly. I am trying not to let it get to me. But it is only half way through November!

After my last blog when I enthused over a particular day in October - the happy feeling stayed with me for a few days. Then came an incident which took me by surprise. On discussing emotions and how emotional our family is with my daughter - I took a remark she made to heart and started crying and just couldn't stop. I managed to control it for a few hours as we were with other people, but later the tears just came flooding back and I couldn't stop crying for nearly 2 days. I thought I had calmed myself down and then I started again. Then on the third day I was suddenly OK and thought back on what had happened and couldn't understand why I had behaved in such a way.

Thinking rationally about it all - I realised I had been under stress for some time. I lived next door to a very dysfunctional family, who were into drugs, beating people up and they had actually stolen from me. Then the upstairs flat was taken by prostitutes and we had to put up with very seedy characters hanging around. Then there was a stabbing and the police and paramedics were involved and it was just a dreadful time. I felt as if I was living in a 'soap opera' something seemed to happen nearly every day. Sometimes it was very surrealistic such as when their Rottweiler bitch had 11 puppies. At the same time there were problems with a restaurant over the road having entertainment until the early hours. Then gradually everything changed. The family moved on, the prostitutes moved out, the restaurant owner lost his licence. And once more peace ruled. The best part of all this is that the immediate neighbours have got to know each other and we have become quite friendly and supportive. I feel I could write a book about all these experiences. Any way it must have taken its toll on me and all the stress came out in the sobbing. I now feel very embarrassed about it all especially as I took it out on my daughter. However we have made it up and things are OK. I just can't talk about it with her as I know I will break down again.

I am beginning to feel more relaxed and my energy is slowly returning but I also realise that I am getting older and am not able to do all the things that I used to.

Things have calmed down and I am back doing my usual activities. Going to the Royal Academy to see an exhibition with a cousin - going to a lecture at my Fine Arts group - the discussion at the reading group was good and also keeping up with my friends and family. I also went on a very nice walk on Sunday - the weather remained dry (until the last half hour), the people on the walk were very friendly and the area along the Grand Union canal was very autumnal. So it was a pleasant Sunday.

I also have some nice things to look forward to. I am going to Bath for a week-end with a friend to visit the Christmas Market. Then in December I am going to stay in Suffolk at my friends' cottage and look after their two dogs. I always love going there and a few days away from London always does me good.

Happiness!

I have decided to write about good things in this post. I am fed up with being depressed and only want to be positive.

I had a moment of great happiness last week! In life one just takes things as they come - the good and the bad. But the precious moments of sublime happiness are very rare. There are great moments in life such as - first love - the birth of a baby - the joys of watching the children grow up and then there are moments when something simple just triggers off a moment of sheer delight. Perhaps a walk in the park and seeing the colours of the leaves or being with someone you care for. You want to keep that moment with you but reality takes over and it slips away. However, that warm feeling will remain and you know that life is worth while.

Well last week I met up with an old friend and because the weather was so beautiful (an October day that had blue skies and that lovely feeling of clarity and crispness in the air) on the spur of the moment we decided to go for a boat trip on Camden Lock. We spent about two hours on the boat, eating our sandwich lunch, drinking coffee and talking about various happenings in our lives and also reminiscing about the past. It felt so comfortable and so peaceful. A moment to hold (if possible). Travelling through the canal, passing Regents Park and the Zoo and listening the commentary by a charming young lady, just added to the to the day.

After that we went our separate ways - and I left for home feeling content, with a glow in my heart. I haven't felt like this for a long time and I have been holding this inside myself since then wanting to put this down in print. It was a perfect afternoon!

Catching up.!

The last time I wrote is the 8th August - so much time has passed by - so much has happened.



I last wrote just before I went on my trip to Canada and California and I was full of trepidation about the visits. I went for a wedding (my sister's grandaughter's) and then went on to stay with my Californian cousin. My sister and I have a very difficult relationship. We are like chalk and cheese - she thinks she is always right - and always has to be superior. I think I am more humble - and have less self esteem. But after years of pandering to her I now feel very rebellious. However, taking into account our ages, I have decided to try and just ignore things.



Most of the time we were together we got on OK. I didn't agree with everything she said and she always states her opinion about everything, but I tried to keep quiet. However towards the end of the week we seemed to feel warmer to each other as we had shared a very emotional moment when we both wept on seeing the beautiful young bride and we hugged each other! My sister has done some unforgiveable things to me in the past and I will never forget them. I will always feel hurt and there will always be some sort of barrier between us but we are both getting older and are the only two left of our family of 5 so I hesitate to cut off from her.



On the other hand my cousin from America was loving and helpful and made me feel very welcome and an equal. So in the end I did have a great time. I came home feeling very relaxed and realised that I had been under stress in London and going away did me a lot of good. My son met me at the airport and that was a bonus for me as I do not see him as often as I would like.



HOWEVER, after my son left I went upstairs and found that in my absence there had been an overflow of water from the loft into the spare room below. Half the ceiling had fallen down and everything was soaking wet. Unfortunately my computer was underneath the flow on water so I could not use it. That is one of the reasons I couldn't get up to date on this blog. I came home on the 26th August and today, 3rd October, I still have no ceiling and the room is also waiting to be decorated. The actual computer was saved - but the monitor, keyboard, printer etc were written off. Everything takes its time with the insurance companies and I am still waiting......



Though I was very depressed about the above I have also done a few nice things. I went on another walk one lovely late summer day. I spent a day in Kent with a friend. My friend from Suffolk came to stay and we also went on another long walk. I must make the most of these walks in the country as the weather is now changing and today it is raining and it looks as if it is set in for the day. One of my friends took me out for dinner (that was really nice) and I also went on a coach trip near Newbury and visited a wonderful chapel that had been built as a memorial and was decorated with Stanley Spencer paintings (which was superb). I am planning to go away for a week-end soon and have also been invited to stay in Suffolk in December for a few days. So these are all positive things to look forward to.

I will write again soon.

My thoughts about going on holiday!

I am going to fly to Toronto soon to visit family and go to a wedding.

This is not one of the things I really want to do. I do like travelling and seeing new places - but I have been to Toronto on many family occasions and they usually follow the same pattern. Lots of parties and celebrations. For me to go to all the bother of flying such a distance seems a waste of precious time. If I am to go through the inconveniences of long distance flying I would like to do something a bit more adventurous.

I am really not keen on weddings. I have very mixed feelings about being with my sister, who has invited me. We have a very difficult relationship and I don't want to be put under stress. It is a very expensive trip . These are my main objections.

The good side - I will see family and friends who I haven't met up with for years, particularly my cousin from California. I am going back to California with my cousin - so that would be a nice thing to do. We are all getting older and so we should see each other as often as we can. Life goes by so fast and I may regret the chance to see the overseas family.

Though the last paragraph is true - I still have a resentment about this trip. I feel I was put into a position where it was very hard to say no.

Anyway I am going and once I am on the plane I will start looking forward to the holiday and be very positive. I will try not to get upset with my sister!

That was my grouchy side - now for the positive side.

I had an unexpected phone call from my son, who is in the South of France. He is disabled and life can be very difficult for him. However after he had overcome some obstacles, he actually managed to swim in the Mediterranean. I was happy on two accounts - first that he had achieved this and second that he actually phoned to tell me about it. In fact I feel very emotional at the thought of this and feel so very proud of him.

More blog thoughts when I get back from my trip to Canada and California. I am going to be on 5 planes in 2 weeks! Help!

Mood swings!

Last time I wrote I was quite high. It had been my birthday and everything seemed to be going really well. But reality set in and my mood has gone right down.



It is not as if I don't do interesting things and go places and keep in touch with friends - my life seems quite full - but when I stop to think I realise that I am on my own - and I have to make an effort to do all those things. Underneath the optimism and enjoyment of what I am doing - is a depressed person. I miss having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. I miss discussing with someone who cares what matters to me. This blog helps a bit as it gives me an outlet to express myself. But, of course, I need a real live person.



I do try and discuss things with my friends, but they seem so taken up with their problems and needs - that I tend to shut up about myself and just listen sympathetically to them. Because I understand how they feel, I can empathise with them - but that means putting my needs last and I tend to clam up.



Decision making is another thing I find difficult to do at these times. I dither about what I should do - one minute I say 'yes, go ahead' and then I say 'why - do you really want to do this'. Then I am afraid that if I stop doing an activity I will then find time hanging and then desperately look for something to do. Realistically I do need to fill in my time but not go to extremes as other people seem to do. Some of my friends seem to fill in every minute of their week. I do like to have some time on my own - but too much time alone makes me depressed.



I made the decision years ago that I didn't want to stay with my husband - but I did think I would meet someone else. However that didn't happen and I remained on my own. Yes, I did meet other men - but none of them were of the type that I could share my life with.



I have done so many wonderful things in my life since I have been on my own - I have had adventures and seen and done great things. I may not have been able to do any of these things if I had been in a relationship - certainly not if I had remained with my husband. As I am writing this I can feel my mood lightening and am remembering some of the super things I have done. So it has done me some good writing this.



The best day of this week was Wednesday. I met my son at the Royal Academy to see the Summer Exhibition and we had a good time. Having coffee in the Friends Room, looking at various paintings and discussing our feeling about them - and just being together. We also had lunch sitting in the courtyard of the Royal Academy. The weather was also lovely.

The Sunday before I went for a lovely walk with one of my daughters and her partner in Hertfordshire and that was also a great day. The weather was good and we walked through golden fields, the wheat was ripening and there were notices stating that the wheat was specially grown for the local mill. We got to the Mill and bought some wonderful fresh bread - just baked from local wheat! It was a wonderful feeling getting something that was grown locally.

So after all that - how can I remain depressed!!!

My Birthday Thoughts!

I am the one in red. I don't think I look 76 - do I?
This was taken in an outdoor Gym when I went on my last Sunday walk!







Its my birthday today. I am 76 years old. I can't believe I am that old - but I am. Today I don't feel my age as I had a lovely day and feel fit and young.


Sometimes I feel very low and think no-one cares about me - but today really proves that I am wrong. My 3 children and my oldest Grandson all phoned me and I had phone calls and emails from abroad. E-mails from Argentina, Belgium, Germany and Canada! My friend in Germany also called but I was not in. I just feel very loved and cared for and on top of the world!





On Sunday I had all the family over for afternoon tea. It was a great afternoon and I made lots of sandwiches, cakes and Strawberries and cream. I always like to have Strawberries on my birthday. I think the 1st July is a special day as it is the middle of the year, it is the middle of the summer and the sun usually shines! The finale of the day was when my son had to return to collect something he had left behind. By that time it was 9.30 at night, but we sat outside in the garden eating dessert of strawberries and cream, feeling very content and relaxed. It was really lovely to have that special time with him. He called it the 'post script'!





Today, my actual birthday, my youngest daughter took me out for lunch. It was a very nice restaurant overlooking a park. The weather was also very good. Afterwards we met the children from school and I spent an hour with them before I made my way home. It has been very hot today - and I feel very sleepy. So I had another lovely day.





I have some photos of my garden on Kodak Share - but cannot find away to get copies on to this blog. I have tried putting them into a document but it doesn't happen. Still I have one photo that I saved on my documents from an email someone sent me and I will try and print it now.

I know this blog is for me to have a grumble and get my frustrations out but this week has been so good that I can't think of anything to moan about. Last Saturday I had lunch with an old friend in her garden and it was very relaxing. We haven't spent such a nice time together for years . Then on Monday I met another old friend and we had a super walk along the tow path of the canal from Camden to Regents Park - through Regents Park and on to Euston. It was so good to talk to someone I have known since I was 14. We recollected that we bought our first peddle pusher jeans and our first bikinis together - we were quite the trend setters in those days!

So I will end on this happy exuberant note!